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Have a shot at Simon

Simon says: you suck

It didn't take me long stepping onto the shores of America before I realized, I'm far from the angriest man around. As if to drive the point home, every day I get more and more emails from disillusioned angry Americans, either hating my choices in singers, or clothing. To you all, here, I will have my say. You emailed me. You asked for it.

Simon's note: each of these emails are (sic), except for names, which have been altered. I don't have the wrist strength to document it in its entirety.

Carol B. from somewhere in Georgia writes:

dear simon,,,,,,i know you get millions of emails but i hope mine stands out in your mind.........last night i had to turn off my t.v. ,and go in the backyard to water my tomatoes when you said direct to diannas face after she sang so fabulous that fantasia would win this and deserve too............well listen how in the world could you think fantaisia's earring in her nose, illegetimate child, and for the most cannot even sing half as good as dianna.........dianna can sing her heart out and of course she has not climbed mountains at 16, but she can sing like she has climbed a mountain.. you and everyone else who is a liberal on this earth is jealous of someone so wholesome so clean all american and why of course southern grace.....................i dont know if you liberals do not recognize such class or that you are just tooo ignorant to pick up on class when you see it............maybe you need to go back to london what i thought was class there.........well princess dianna was, but baby you sure dont fit that world either.......carol - in georgia.............(snip - I don't want to know where you live, for fear you will want to know where I do).....................where we grow good southern wholesome peaches............................................

Simon says:
Carol, well put I must say. Commendable southern class as I'd always heard of it. I too hate liberals and email random websites expressing this in my free time, so you and I are like kindred spirits in a way. But to stay more on topic, I'm afraid you're correct. I had failed to realize that Fantasia had an earring in her nose. And honestly, it's quite embarrassing, I had been mistaking it for a nosering for weeks. But I confirmed with Paula last night after getting your mail, and we're doing what we can now to get her barred. With this new information brought to light I have little choice but to come and visit you in Georgia, beg your forgiveness, and contribute to your choice for presidential campaign candidates.

PS: I'm quite certain that Fantasias illegitimate child is not my own, and as such, I'm going to try to let her live her own life.

Dear Simon, I think you deserve a medal and a very high paycheque for listening to all that crap. How can somebody being extremely unpresentable and without a trace of voice to insult a man who has the grace to listen and tell them the truth. I was just curious to see how young people in America evaluate themselves and I was spellbound. I did not believe my eyes and years. There are so many of us who work our butt day and night for decent causes and we do not look for fame. There are so many talented young people who play violin in the railway stations and they play beautifully, compared with those you are giving your time to listen to. I think all of us decent or not, became very comical. Have a nice day Simon. You are a hero Pia E. P.

Simon says:
Well Pia, I, don't know what to say. Where are you from? For once I want to know. I was spellbound by your e-mail, until I realized, I'm not here to educate people, I'm here to earn a paycheck. Which means, your email was actually an underhanded attempt to have me admit to wanting more from this gig than extra zeros, and slyly wring me into taking a compliment that would at the same time have me take an insult. Very clever Clarice. But I caught on, see, and I'm not responding. Very much that is.

simon i do watch american idol and why u always dissin folks just tell them in a nice way if they sound a hott mess then when u do diss then paula always has to soak your rcitisisms up in a soaked spung u know god dont like ugly and u know that was ugly so calm that down lil.wodde. know u aint the angry simon i am the angry latress w. and by the way i am 13 soi do have some stuff to say about that ugly nasty mouth of your's holla back

Simon says:
Dear Holla, Thank you for your enigmatic correspondence. I was, in fact, unaware that God don't like ugly, but now I am. Thank you, this information should aid me in further decisions.

Yours truly, Holla Cowell

I don't know how to begin, but to tell you my life long dream to have an opportunity to sing in front of a song producer. I grew up an a very strict environment and becoming a singer was forbidded. I have been singing since i was 3 years of age and had many voice lessons with music teachers telling me i'm ready to go out and become a star. I have sung at openning ceremonies for football and baseball leagues in my community, and have been asked to sing a special song for a birthday or wedding etc. People chase me down everytime to ask me if I have a CD out, but I have nothing to show for it. I get flattered but saddened and embarrassed that I have nothing. Please have a show for 38 year old singers. Sylvia K.

Simon says:
Sylvia, wake up. The show I'm on is about selling records to 9 year old girls. 9 year old girls don't buy records from 38 year old singers. BUT, this is not the issue. If you can sing, YOU DON'T NEED AMERICAN IDOL. Trust me, before this show existed, talent got heard. Long after this show is dead, talent will still be heard. Go and find yourself someone to hear you sing. Go to the mall and sing a karaoke demo, pick up the phone and call someone. Keep calling until you get someone, and let them know you are a great singer and they have to hear you. You're the only one who can make yourself into a singer, not some (horribly produced) television show.

what is the guys name that was singing "she bangs" i think he his so,cute

Simon says:
You bring that up again, I start killing people.

Dear Mr. Cowell, Have you been chased from England? (or, indeed, have you ever been in England?) It is my conjecture that you are, either, Irish or Australian with a doctored accent. You certainly have the manners of a more lowly people than the English. Yet, you seemingly look down on us "colonials" Why don't you go back to Sydney or go swim in the River Shannon, if we Yanks are so bitter a lot to you.

I have the feeling that, if you were not so little, weak, and lazy, you probably would be a first rate serial killer. But that would require a bit of planning and it might be necessary for you to stand, every once in awhile. Instead, you kill with your cruel words.

If you have any skills, of any sort, (growing potatoes?) perhaps the world would survive if you would try to find something to do that is real.

Purely for a matter of record, I have never watched your show! I have only seen many film clips wherein your total lack of raising is clearly evident.

Therefore, you see, many of us will survive without your knowhow. [OR, you might go critiquqe for the Met (that's a big opera company{opera is music that is studied for many years})].

Sincerely, Carolyn E.

Simon says:
Ahhh Carolyn. Oooooh Carolyn. A little racism on a Monday morning is a great way to start the week no? I have two secrets Carolyn. 1) I grow a mean potato, and they taste great. 2) I'm am your superior in matters of grace, humility, humanitarian acceptance, spelling of the word critique, the MET, Irish history, Australian history, English history, American history, and cultural ethnocentricity.

And yes, I understand the subtle irony of including in a sentence imposing my moral superiority, humility as an inclusive instance.

You yanks are a bitter lot.

Simon speaks the truth and people that are in denial or just totally tone-deaf regarding their talent, are sore-losers and unrealistic. I promote world-class guitarists and instrumental performers. It's amazing how many demo's I receive of people that are awful, but they think they are great.

Long live Simon Cowell, the person that gives people the truth, not a bunch of lies.

Simon says:
While I appreciate the kind words, I have to let you know, you are without a doubt the most horrible promoter I've ever had email me.

It is my opinion, that Simon is not enjoying this job anymore , he looks bored and wishes he were elsewhere, meantime the bucks keep going into his bank acct, so he puts up with this, my advice, "get another job Simon," Off Camera, and bring on somebody, who can give better advice, Like Paula, even Randy is annoying this year. Marnie M

Simon says:
Would you enjoy listening to horrible singers scream the sappiest pop music the world has ever had to bear witness to while nine year old girls define the balance of your bank account and you have to sit beside paula abdul every damn day of your short life only to come home to a website you pour hours into a day and have to deal with this kind of crap commentary from low life good for nothing too much free time on their hands holier than thou people named Marnie? Seriously.

Actually It's kind of nice, I get to sleep in on Tuesdays.

He may be angry, but has the balls to pull it off. He is drop dead gorgeous and having been to England twice and my husband is English, "well just love him".

Simon says:
I think the English would appreciate if you stopped propagating that stereotype.

Ya you know what I mean.

Simon is a piece of crap that shoulg go back where he comes from. These kids need encouragement and not put down. I will not watch the show on account of sh--face Simon. How did he gain so much knowledge about music. I`ll bet he cannot carry a tune in a bucket.

Simon says:
You caught me on a technicality. No fair.

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